Healing From Miscarriages: Hurting Mom, You Need to Know These Three Things

(Inside: Healing from miscarriages can be so long and painful. Here is my healing from miscarriages journey. I hope you feel encouraged.)

“I spy with my little eyes…” I glanced out the car window looking for any color besides grey to describe to my two sons who were enjoying our game from the back seat. 

The sky was gloomy, muddy snow covered the trees and ground, and cars whizzed by coated in a slush that dulled their shiny appearance. Yet, the scenery of this road didn’t always look this depressing. I had driven down this same road the summer before when it was full of life and beauty.  But, that summer my hurting heart did not see the sunshine and warmth, it saw what I am seeing now  – the colorless grey of winter. 

Life’s sorrows often fall on us in dull colors, stifling the vibrancy of our surroundings.

That past summer, my husband and I found out we were expecting our third child. Our hearts swelled with joy and we wondered in excitement what this new baby would be like. Would we have a boy or a girl?  Should we go with a family name or just a name that we like? How should we decorate the nursery?  

In excitement, we joyfully announced our pregnancy.

{All the hugs and congratulations and celebration.)

Then…

I miscarried.

Before, I knew miscarriage was common and thought if I ever had one, it wouldn’t bother me. It was a part of life. I was wrong. When I miscarried, I was devastated. Excruciatingly so. Our unborn child and the loss continually stayed in my heart.

I mourned for the baby I would never meet. I wondered why this had happened; perhaps I had done something wrong.  I feared maybe this was the beginning of an infertility struggle. I felt an overwhelming feeling of sadness like one single storm cloud had settled over my head always reminding me of my pain. 

With sorrow as my companion, I switched to automatic pilot walking through the motions of being a mom and wife. 

I found busyness dulled my pain, so I daily hustled while quietly grieving inside. I surrounded myself with joyful, encouraging people because I needed to borrow their happiness. I stole small moments in my day to share my burdens with God. I meditated on God’s promises and tried to concentrate on knowing who God is; that He understands my pain, and has a plan for my life including knowing the number of children I would have. I did this even when it felt hard and I didn’t want to.  Then in all my pursuit of healing, I still let myself have moments of feeling incredibly sad. I found, as the clock continued ticking, very slowly, my storm cloud began to clear. 

At a snail-paced crawl, I felt healing. My anxious thoughts slowly began to settle and my heart lightened. My sadness thinned, and I found myself smiling with my husband and laughing with our sons. 

However, fast-forward five years.

Because life is tricky and hard and unpredictable, and my big emotions don’t always navigate the journey well.

When I was 39 years old, we found out we were expecting again. I hardly had a chance to wrap my head around it and we promptly lost the baby. This time my pain was what I described above.

Times ten.

Times a million.

I wish my second story of healing from miscarriage was as tidy as the first. But this time it wasn’t, it was messy and hard and took a lot of work and time.

Fast-forward a few more years.

It took me two (maybe three) years to heal from my second miscarriage.

It was rough, but now I’m on the other side.
.

I’m reflecting on what I’ve learned and writing what I would tell myself if I could go back in time to help me heal from both miscarriages, but especially my second one.

I’m sharing what I needed to know when I was reeling from my losses. If you are right in the middle of the yuck, I hope my words help. But also know, and this is important, I am not a mental health or healthcare professional. Seek professional help, someone who knows the details of your situation and can help. I did and encourage you to as well.


Onward to what I’d tell myself now that I am past the pain, back when I desperately needed nurturing….

1. The miscarriage was not your fault.

My OBGYN has told me this repeatedly, year after year. She cites all her medical knowledge and her experience. I still have a hard time believing her, but in my own research, I find that she’s right. 

The revered Mayo Clinic published this statement on its website:

“Most miscarriages occur because the fetus isn’t developing normally. About 50 percent of miscarriages are associated with extra or missing chromosomes. Most often, chromosome problems result from errors that occur by chance as the embryo divides and grows — not problems inherited from the parents.” 

Read their full article here about what does and more importantly, what does NOT cause miscarriages.

2. You will heal.

Keep chasing after healing. Make it a priority and trust that you will heal. That doesn’t mean you won’t sometimes circle back and feel loss and pain, but it will be under the umbrella of healing.

You will move past.

And as you heal, the painful experience will give you a new perspective and strengthen you. (Something I love and hate equally.)

But, you will move past. Believe it and pursue it. 

3. You will need multiple remedies to heal.

When a traumatic experience enters your life, it slices through you like a rock pelting the windshield of your car. Pain is like a spiderweb of cracks that slices through your life in crazy directions.

There isn’t one magic “thing” that instantly heals the mess. Rather, it takes an accumulation of solutions to slowly bind up your wounds.

For example, one small slice of crack gets better through taking care of your body (long walks, water, eating well, sleep). Another by connecting with your people (hugs, conversations, petting your dog). A different crevice mends through inputting inspiration (books, podcasts, church, prayer, encouragement). And other slice heals by seeking professional help (doctors, counselors, therapists, medication).

Each little step towards self-care stitches small sections of your cracks back together until, over time, you feel healed.

Where are you in your miscarriage journey, friend?

Are you where I was smack in the middle of the beautiful hues of summer only seeing winter greys? Are you trying to find color, but instead you discover hopelessness?

Hang on.

Work at healing. (And it is work.)

Keep reaching for resources, talking to people, and moving forward until you feel the cracks of your pain beginning to knit themselves together…

There is sunshine out there.

Keep moving forward.

Take care of yourself.

You will find the rays.

Need more encouragement in healing from miscarriages?

I have spent hours and hours working on healing from my miscarriages. Really, the second one knocked me off my feet in a way I could’ve never predicted. Here’s another article I wrote that I hope helps. 

Miscarriage Grief: 5 Reasons Why a Miscarriage is so Emotionally Painful

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