Parents, How Your “No” Helps Your Teen Better Navigate Their World

Your teens need your “no.” They’re counting on it.

My 11th-grade student poured over her assignment with me after class. Her phone interrupted our conversation, and I watched her nod into the receiver, go back and forth, and then finally say, “I would, but my mom doesn’t want me to go.”

She hung up and her words tumbled like cereal from a box knocked over on the counter. She was glad her mom said no to “that thing.” If it were up to her, she would’ve said “yes,” but her insides knew like steel that “no” was best. She needed her mom to be her “out” to take the pressure off her.

Parents, there’s a weird hovering in the air that guilts moms and dads for drawing too firm of boundary lines. It whispers if you’re doing that, perhaps you’re not truly seeing your kids for who they are or giving them enough freedom. Maybe you don’t feel it, but I do.

I think many of our generation were raised with authoritarian parents and know it isn’t effective. But neither is permissive parenting. How equally hard for a teen to carry the full weight of choices with their limited experiences and not-fully-developed brain?

Sometimes in parenting when confusing messages swirl, I have to stop, reflect, and pass the ideas through the filter of truth. I know…

Raising big kids is about relationships. Teens need parents to pursue them, cheer them on, spend time with them, listen to understand, and remind their kids on repeat they are wanted, valued, and respected.

Raising big kids is helping them learn to navigate messy life while still in the safety of their homes. It’s helping them set up routines, solve problems, try new things, discover their gifts, and get back up again.

Raising big kids is letting go. Teens must have space to make their own decisions and discover what the consequences of their actions look like. They need agency and grow strong by learning through lived experiences.

But, in it all, raising big kids is about watching over your family, praying for discernment, and being willing to interject a “no.”

No, that much screen time is igniting your anxiety and depression. We need to work together to figure out a better way.

No, you have to pick and choose, your schedule can’t be that full.

No, you can’t have unlimited hang-out time with that friend who has proven they drag you down.

No, we’re not going to continue all this missing schoolwork. We’re adjusting the schedule so you have at-home time to complete work, and we’ll meet regularly about your progress.

No, you’re not going to act that way. It’s not who you are or who you want to be. We’re going to work on this and, yes, your input matters.

Effective parenting is trying to find the balance between authoritarian and permissive parenting. Inventor of these parenting styles psychologist Diana Baumrind calls this authoritative parenting: where the relationship leads, the kids’ voices matter, but there are healthy boundaries

Parents, no one else loves your kids like you do. You’ve sacrificed sleep, self-care, work opportunities, time with friends, finances, and more to invest in your people. You’re the best adult to discern your kids’ needs.

In the moment, your kids might not get your “no.” They might sigh big, roll their eyes, and call you mean. With my 11th-grade student, I have no idea if she gave her mom attitude when “the no” around “the thing” was discussed.

But I do know that the student used her mom’s “no” as her “out” with relief and gratitude.

So, keep parenting. Your kids will get it at some point. And most likely land on thankfulness. Because kids with parents who parent are the lucky ones.

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Cheryl Donely

Cheryl is a mom of 3 boys, wife, speaker, high school teacher, and author of Empowered Moms & Kids. She has a Master’s degree in Educational Leadership and is passionate about learning and teaching. On www.empoweredmomsandkids.com you’ll find inspiration and encouragement for moms raising tweens and/or teens. Read more in the “about” section of this page.